Sitting shiva and other Jewish mourning traditions have been helping people navigate grief for thousands of years. Part of the beauty of sitting shiva is that Jewish tradition does a lot of the thinking for you. Think of it as Judaism taking the wheel for a week. You don’t have to decide how long to mourn, where to do it, or what it should look like. It’s already been worked out, over thousands of years, by people who understood that grief needs structure. This guide walks you through what to do, what to expect, and why it all actually makes sense.
What Is Sitting Shiva?
Shiva (Hebrew for “seven”) is the traditional seven-day Jewish mourning period that begins after a Jewish funeral. Sitting shiva is observed after the death of a parent, spouse, sibling, or child and is one of the best-known Jewish mourning traditions.
Judaism has a surprisingly practical approach to grief. Jewish law guides mourners through distinct stages rather than treating mourning as one long stretch of sadness. Shiva is the first and most intensive stage. For seven days, you’re encouraged to step away from the normal routines of life. You don’t go to work, run errands, or worry about hosting. Consider this your rabbinically sanctioned out-of-office. Your job is simply to grieve and let your community show up for you.
The practice of sitting shiva is rooted in the Bible and discussed throughout the Talmud, and it has been part of Jewish life for thousands of years. There’s something deeply comforting about that. At a time when everything feels unfamiliar, you don’t have to invent a way to mourn. Judaism already thought of that.
When Does Shiva Start and End?
According to Jewish tradition and Jewish law, shiva begins immediately after the burial. After the Jewish funeral and burial, someone will usually announce the shiva plans so friends, family, and community members know where to gather.
In many homes, a shiva candle is lit and burns throughout the seven-day Jewish mourning period. It’s a quiet, steady reminder that someone important is missing, and that this week is different from every other week.
Shiva ends after morning prayers on the seventh day, rather than continuing until that evening. In many Jewish communities, the traditional way to mark the end of shiva is to take a short walk around the block with family and friends. It’s a small first step back into everyday life – close to home, surrounded by loved ones, and taken together. You’re not “finished” grieving. Jewish mourning doesn’t expect that. It’s simply the beginning of learning how to carry your grief alongside everyday life.
Where Does Shiva Take Place?
Shiva traditionally takes place at the home of the deceased or at the home of a close relative. The shiva house becomes the gathering place for mourners and visitors for the week.
Geography often shapes how shiva is structured in practice. If your family is spread across the country, it’s common to sit shiva in the city where the person lived and died, and then have a second day of shiva in your own city for your local community. There’s no rule that shiva has to happen in one place or even in person. Apparently, even shiva can go hybrid. What matters is that mourners have somewhere to receive visitors and be supported.
The shiva home doesn’t need to be formal or perfectly set up. People will bring food. Someone will arrange chairs. The house will fill up and it will feel, surprisingly, like exactly what you need.
What Do Mourners Do During Shiva?
This is where a lot of people have questions, especially if they didn’t grow up with much Jewish practice. There are traditional customs that mourners observe during shiva, and understanding them makes the whole experience less confusing.
Sitting on low stools. The tradition of low seating goes back to a time when mourners sat on the ground as a sign of grief. Today, low stools or chairs without cushions serve the same symbolic purpose. Not every family observes this strictly, but you may see it in more traditional households.
Not wearing leather shoes. Leather shoes were historically a sign of comfort and status. Yes, even back then, footwear could be a flex. During shiva, mourners traditionally wear non-leather shoes – or go without shoes altogether – as a way of doing without life’s ordinary comforts.
Covering mirrors. Mirrors in the shiva house are traditionally covered with cloth. There are several explanations for this custom. One is that mourners shouldn’t be focused on their appearance. Your only job this week is to grieve – not to look presentable. Basically, nobody’s expecting a good hair day from you. Another is that shiva asks us to pay less attention to ourselves and more attention to the community gathered around us. Don’t be alarmed if you walk in and all the mirrors are draped – it’s on purpose. Resist the urge to “fix” them. If a mirror is covered, leave it.
Not wearing makeup or shaving. Related to the same idea: mourners traditionally don’t attend to their appearance during shiva. This isn’t about trying to look bad, but about being fully present in the experience of mourning rather than performing normalcy.
Keriah. Before the funeral, close family members perform keriah (pronounced “kreh-EE-ah”), the ritual tearing of clothing or a black ribbon to symbolize grief. Mourners often wear this torn ribbon throughout shiva as a visible sign of loss.
The Minyan and Kaddish. Each morning and/or evening during shiva, mourners traditionally gather for a minyan (a quorum of ten Jewish adults) to say the Mourner’s Kaddish together. The Mourner’s Kaddish (pronounced “KAH-dish”) is the Jewish prayer recited in memory of the dead. Interestingly, it doesn’t mention death at all. It’s a prayer praising God, and saying it in community is one of the most comforting parts of shiva.
What Is the Meal of Condolence?
When mourners return home from the burial, they are not supposed to feed themselves. This is where community steps in – usually carrying enough food for twice as many people as necessary. The first meal after the burial, called the seudat havra’ah (say-oo-DAT hahv-rah-AH – the meal of condolence or meal of consolation), is usually provided by friends and neighbors.
Hard-boiled eggs are a traditional part of this meal. Eggs are a symbol of the cycle of life in Jewish tradition, and their round shape represents continuity. They’re also practical: easy to make in bulk and easy to eat when you have no appetite.
Throughout shiva, friends and community members typically bring food to the shiva house so that mourners don’t have to think about cooking. If you’re sitting shiva, let people feed you. That’s what they’re there for.
What Happens to Shiva When a Jewish Holiday Falls During It?
This is one of the more complicated corners of Jewish mourning law. The short version: some Jewish holidays interrupt or cancel the remaining days of shiva. Rude, but okay.
Shabbat (the weekly day of rest, from Friday sundown to Saturday night) does count as one of the seven days, but many of the outward customs you’ve just read about – like sitting on low stools and wearing the torn keriah ribbon – pause until the end of Shabbat.
Major Jewish holidays work differently. If Passover, Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Sukkot, Simchat Torah, or Shavuot begins during shiva, the holiday flat-out cancels the remaining shiva days. The joy and communal nature of Jewish holidays takes precedence, even in mourning. If a death occurs during one of these holidays, shiva may be delayed until after the holiday ends.
The details can get complicated depending on when exactly the death occurs relative to the holiday. If you’re navigating this, a rabbi or Jewish funeral home can walk you through the specifics for your situation. You don’t have to figure it out alone.
What Happens After Shiva?
Shiva is the most intense period of Jewish mourning, but it’s only the beginning. When shiva ends, mourners enter shloshim (pronounced “shlo-SHEEM”), the 30-day mourning period that includes the shiva days. During shloshim, mourners return to work and daily life but continue to observe certain restrictions, like avoiding parties and celebrations. So, yes, you can go back to work – but no, you can’t go to Shari’s wedding and tear up the dance floor.
For the loss of a parent, the mourning period extends to a full year. Many people say Kaddish daily during this time, traditionally for 11 months. The yahrzeit (pronounced “YART-site”), the anniversary of the death, is observed each year with Kaddish and the lighting of a memorial candle.
For everything about the full arc of Jewish mourning periods, from burial through the unveiling of the tombstone, JewBelong’s Death and Mourning page has it all.
Making Shiva Calls: What Guests Should Know
If you’re visiting someone sitting shiva, the most important thing to know is this: just show up. Don’t wait for an invitation. Don’t ring the doorbell. Walk in, find the mourner, talk about the person who died. You don’t need a script.
For a full guide to making a shiva call, including what to bring, what to say, and how long to stay, head to JewBelong’s Death and Mourning page.
Sitting Shiva FAQs
Do you have to sit shiva for seven full days? Not necessarily. Many Jewish families today sit shiva for three days rather than seven, or hold a single day of shiva. Many families adapt the practice, but a rabbi can help if you want guidance within Jewish law.
Can non-Jews attend shiva? Absolutely. Shiva is open to anyone who wants to offer comfort and pay their respects. Non-Jewish friends and colleagues are welcome and their presence means a great deal to mourners. You don’t need to know the prayers or the customs. Just being there is enough.
What do you say to someone sitting shiva? Talk about the person who died. That’s really it. Share a memory, ask about a photo on the wall, say you’re sorry for their loss. The traditional Hebrew phrase offered to mourners is “HaMakom yenachem etchem b’toch she’ar availei Tzion v’Yerushalayim,” which means “May God comfort you among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.” Many Jews will also say “may their memory be a blessing.” But “I’m so sorry” said with warmth works just as well.
What do you bring to a shiva house? Food is always welcome, especially something the family can eat as a meal. If the family keeps kosher, ask before you bring anything. Some people give tzedakah (a charitable donation) in the name of the deceased instead of or in addition to food. You don’t need to bring anything, though. Your presence is the gift.
Can shiva be held at a funeral home or synagogue? Traditionally shiva is held at a home, but it’s not unheard of for part of the gathering to happen at a synagogue or community space, particularly when the home isn’t large enough or family members are traveling. The spirit of shiva is about community and comfort, wherever that happens. Though probably not at a karaoke bar.
What is a shiva candle? A shiva candle is a memorial candle lit at the start of shiva that burns for the duration of the seven-day mourning period. It’s a continuous, quiet presence in the shiva home, symbolizing the soul of the person who died.
What is keriah? Keriah is the ritual tearing of a garment (or a black ribbon pinned to clothing) performed by close family members before the funeral. It’s a physical expression of grief, an outward sign of something that has been torn apart. Mourners often wear the torn ribbon throughout shiva.
