Director’s Note: You can either read this skit free-form by going around the table and having everyone take turns, or you can assign parts, or you can just have two people take turns reading… whatever makes your Hanukkah kick-ass! If you’re going big, then you’ll want to include the following props: A jug (empty milk gallon works fine), a mop, a bucket and cleaning supplies and a plastic sword. Have fun!
MACCABEE 1: 17 lines
WIFE 1: 15 lines
MACCABEE 2: 12 lines
WIFE 2: 12 lines
SEYMOUR, a pig: 9 lines
NARRATOR: 7 lines
NARRATOR: The setting is the Second Temple in Jerusalem, 160 B.C.E. The Maccabees have just retaken Judea after defeating the mighty armies of Antiochus IV.
MACCABEE 1: Well, we did it! We Maccabees beat back the evil Antiochus! We stood up to his armies, and poof! They were gone.
WIFE 1: “Poof?” It took eight years.
MACCABEE 1: Don’t start with me. I’ve been at war for years. I’m tired. I’m hungry. And my sciatica is acting up something fierce.
MACCABEE 2: I’m just glad we can finally get back into the Temple. Praying in a dirty tent all these years has been just awful. Let me just get this door open. (Opens door to Temple.) Oy vey!
WIFE 2: What is it? Did the Greeks put up those tacky Zeus statues of theirs? Or that homewrecker Aphrodite?
MACCABEE 2: No, this is much worse! Look!
EVERYONE: OH NO!
WIFE 1: This looks like that time we left the kids alone for the weekend!
MACCABEE 1: They ruined our temple! The benches are broken! The walls are cracked! And look, is that a red wine stain on the carpet? That’s never going to come out.
WIFE 2: What a pig-sty!
SEYMOUR: I beg your pardon?
[ALL FOUR HUMANS SCREAM.]
MACCABEE 1: It’s a pig! A pig can’t be here in our temple! Pigs aren’t kosher!
WIFE 1: The pig is talking! And you’re worried that he’s not kosher?!
WIFE 2: It’s a demon! Quick, slay him with your sword.
NARRATOR: The Maccabees wield their swords and lunge toward Seymour.
SEYMOUR: I’m pretty sure that’s not necessary.
MACCABEE 2: Stop talking! You’re not supposed to talk, pig!
SEYMOUR: Actually, the name’s “Seymour.” And so what if I’m not supposed to talk? I’m not supposed to be lying on the altar of a Jewish temple, either. But the Greeks brought me here to sacrifice me.
WIFE 1: So why are you still alive?
SEYMOUR: How do I know? I’m a pig. But I assume they ran out of time before fleeing Judea. In any case, here I am, alive and well.
MACCABEE 1: Well, I’m very glad they didn’t kill you…
WIFE 1: You’re making friends with a pig now?
MACCABEE 1: Quiet, I’m having a conversation here. So listen, pig… uh, Seymour… we just really need you to leave now.
SEYMOUR: That’s fine, I’m going. Now that the Greeks have left, and you guys are back in charge, I don’t have to fear for my life. I mean, it’s not like any of you are going to eat me. Oh, and one more thing – you’re almost out of oil. Ta ta. (HE EXITS.)
MACCABEE 2: I sure hope that pig was wrong about the oil. Because we’ve got to keep the eternal light burning at all times to show our devotion to God. Every temple has one.
WIFE 2: Let me check the storage room. There’s usually plenty of oil in there.
NARRATOR: Wife 2 goes into the storage room and comes out holding a small oil jug.
WIFE 2: The pig didn’t lie. This is it… just enough to keep the fire lit for about a day.
WIFE 1: That will never be enough! The eternal light will go out! This is just terrible!!
MACCABEE 1: Can’t we just make more oil?
WIFE 2: Excuse me? Do you know how long it takes to make oil? Eight days.
MACCABEE 1 & MACCABEE 2: (IN UNISON) Eight days?!
WIFE 1: What, you think olives grow on trees?
MACCABEE 1: Don’t they?
WIFE 1: Well, yeah, but first you have to pick the olives, and then you have to press the olives, and then the oil needs to sit before it will keep a flame burning. It’s an eight-day process. What can I tell you?
MACCABEE 2: What are we going to do?
WIFE 2: Don’t fret too much. You’ve been at war for eight years. I don’t want you should worry yourself over olive oil.
WIFE 1: That’s right. Let’s go home and try to get some sleep. At least we have enough oil for the flames to burn through the night.
MACCABEE 1: OK. Tomorrow we can come back and clean up this mess.
NARRATOR: The next morning they all come back to the temple with mops and buckets.
MACCABEE 1: I’m not looking forward to this. I can’t remember the last time I had to clean up such a mess.
WIFE 1: Yeah, that’s because you’ve never cleaned a thing in your life. Look… the eternal light. It’s still burning!
MACCABEE 2: That’s weird. It’s been over eight hours since we were here. Shouldn’t the oil have burned out by now?
WIFE 2: Hey, don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.
SEYMOUR: (POPPING HIS HEAD UP FROM BEHIND THE ALTAR.) I’m not a horse. I’m a pig.
MACCABEE 1: Seymour! What are you doing back here?
SEYMOUR: It was so cold out last night, and I could see through the windows that the flame was still burning, and it looked kind of cozy, so I figured I’d bunk down here.
MACCABEE 1: Well, you’ve got to go. And for good this time!
SEYMOUR: (EXITING) Yeah, I’m going, I’m going.
WIFE 1: That’s some persistent pig. All right, I’ll start on the floors. You all take the walls and the benches.
NARRATOR: Four days later, at sunset everyone is still cleaning the temple.
MACCABEE 2: I don’t get it. It’s been five nights, and that eternal light is still burning.
MACCABEE 1: You sure you didn’t add any oil to it?
WIFE 1: And where would I get this oil from? I told you it takes eight days. So it’ll be three more days before we have any new oil. That’s basic math, genius.
WIFE 2: What if the eternal light is… haunted?
MACCABEE 2: We just had a talking pig in here, and you’re scared of an eternal light?
WIFE 2: Well, how is it doing this? How is the oil not running out? Is it magic? Is it a spell? Is it a curse?
NARRATOR: BOOM! [CLAPS HANDS LOUDLY]
WIFE 1: Well, I think we just got our answer.
MACCABEE 1: This isn’t magic. And it’s not haunted. It’s God. God is keeping the oil burning for us until we can make more of it. It’s a miracle!
MACCABEE 2: So if he can keep the oil burning for eight nights, why can’t he clean up this mess himself?
WIFE 2: Because we can do that ourselves. What we can’t do is keep one night’s worth of oil burning for eight nights.
MACCABEE 2: Well, it’s only been five nights. Talk to me three days from now, and then I’ll tell you whether it’s a miracle or not.
NARRATOR: Three days later everyone comes back to the temple.
MACCABEE 2: You were right! It is a miracle!
WIFE 2: See? I told you.
MACCABEE 1: God kept the oil burning for eight nights, just like he led us to victory over the Greeks.
WIFE 1: And he let us clean up this temple and make it holy again.
MACCABEE 1: You know what we should do? Let’s have a big celebration tonight… and then every year at this time.
WIFE 1: Yes! And I’ll make potato latkes and jelly donuts with the extra oil! And we can eat chocolate coins and not worry if we gain a few pounds!
SEYMOUR: (PEAKS BEHIND THE TEMPLE DOOR.) Sounds great! Am I invited?
ALL IN UNISON: EVERYONE’S INVITED! HAPPY HANUKKAH!
Why make an account and save your favorite JewBelong stuff? Because someday Jack is going to get off his ass and pop the question and you’re going to get to plan that wedding you've been thinking about since third grade.
Because why use any of your precious brain cells to remember where you kept those great readings that you’ll use someday at Jeffrey’s B Mitzvah? Make an account, keep the readings there. Easy peasy. The only thing you’ll need to remember is your password, and from personal experience that’s hard enough.
Hey, can you watch the phones on Friday? We have a thing.